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sunshine blues by ~dubbilex:icondubbilex:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Satire > Open




Been seein Jackie Onassis,
stalking a million ruts
into the floorboards of
a tired motel room,
that faithless smile comin on,
like velvet angels wailin
Kingdom Come

The salesman on the bed stretches, looks on with ruthless cool.

& she, that darling little Imposition-
all predator's eyes
just hollering that
hungry look my way-

snarls

So you think you're a fucking star?
Then why don't you follow that thing
all the way East, baby, & let
the kid in the manger see you shine
©2005-2009 ~dubbilex
:icondubbilex:

Author's Comments

music in the air, from a crackly transistor

Comments


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:iconfluid-motion:
!Fluid-Motion Jun 22, 2005, 8:28:39 PM
Ah, this is great. What the doctor orderd. Take your time always if you'll be as consistent as this.

two things:

should it be "she snarls"?

The baby felt sort of forced. It could be left in but I think it would work fine without it, as well.

I don't really like the bit in the parenthesis. I think that could be removed altogether. Maybe rephrasing it a bit, it's sort of odd how it goes from first to third person.

Otherwise this is as smooth as can be.

--
"The ending is brilliant. Seriously. I might get that inscribed on my casket someday so God will understand."
:iconfluid-motion:
!Fluid-Motion Jun 22, 2005, 8:29:12 PM
two things, ho ho, more like three.

--
"The ending is brilliant. Seriously. I might get that inscribed on my casket someday so God will understand."
:iconzphoenixdownz:
~zphoenixdownz Jun 22, 2005, 8:49:37 PM
hotness

--
i'll stop the world and melt with you
you've seen the difference
and it's getting better all the time
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
suture
:iconmisaniovent:
~Misaniovent Jun 23, 2005, 5:54:23 AM
This has a nice spoken word feel to it, but the rhythm didn't really catch me like your work usually does. This is good, but I didn't read this and find myself particularly impressed as I have been before with you.

:)

--
Hide the past!
:iconmisaniovent:
~Misaniovent Jun 23, 2005, 5:59:15 AM
Additionally, this sounds far better out loud than it does in my head.

--
Hide the past!
:iconcarissima82:
~carissima82 Jun 23, 2005, 4:14:07 PM
loooooove it.

yay i missed you

--
when she walked, her knees cracked like a pick-up truck driving full-force over a deer carcass.
~stupidvagina
:icondubbilex:
~dubbilex Jun 24, 2005, 6:10:03 AM
I always aim to please, darlin'

(crits? What do you hate the most?)

--
:zombie:
:icondubbilex:
~dubbilex Jun 24, 2005, 6:25:25 AM
Have you ever read Bowery Blues (Kerouac)? That was where the style of this thing came from. I agree that it doesn't flow as well as I might have hoped - I've just been trying to cut down on several things (the word 'and' being one of them; this was a great deal longer until I cut out the unnecessary parts. last thing I want to do is bore you guys, right?) to refine my style a little.

I've changed this up a little since I originally posted it (lost a few words, gained a few, changed line breaks). Looking at it now, what parts do you dislike the most?


Thanks, homie.

--
:zombie:
:icondubbilex:
~dubbilex Jun 24, 2005, 6:35:32 AM
The 'she' and the 'snarls' are at least four lines apart (good call. I'll see what I can do).

Your feelings about the bit in the parentheses is definitely spot-on; it seemed a little disjointed, so I just moved it to the middle of the poem instead. Seems to fit a lot better, there.

Thanks for an excellent comment :)


PS I've owed you some comments for a long time now. Look for them soon.

--
:zombie:
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