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Self-Portrait by ~dubbilex:icondubbilex:

Categories Literature > Poetry > General Poetry > Open




I can still picture Big Legs and her love   
knotted ghostdim in the gloom,
sayin bombs're better than you think,  
and I am the haunt

And sometimes,
I want to kill the tramp
smoking on the doorsteps of your tragedies,
your morphine smiles and your nightmares
when you look up from the floor
like a big sad dream-

But your holiness reminds me
of the things we coulda built

and everything just crawls
©2006-2009 ~dubbilex
:icondubbilex:

Author's Comments

a long time coming

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 1 1 neutral 0 0
:iconmusical-nymph:
~musical-nymph Mar 22, 2006, 1:23:08 PM
So I see what you were going for with the abrupt lines and unexpected line breaks, but frankly, I just don't like it. The words themselves flow really well together, and I don't see the need in making it quite so choppy.

The ending is delicious. (So is the middle and the beginning, too.)

Are you writing again, then?

--
You were right about the stars: each one is a setting sun.
:iconmisaniovent:
~Misaniovent Mar 22, 2006, 1:25:51 PM
I'm not a big fan of the coulda type stuff; I prefer contractions.

But it is very good, and it is so so so so so good to see something from you.

--
Hide the past!
:icondubbilex:
~dubbilex Mar 24, 2006, 7:14:19 AM
I guess the choppiness makes this pace a little faster. I'm still not happy with it, but I didn't want to make it to a year without submitting. I think this might be the last for a while. I'm alright at writing but I still got those old troubles with sharing.

PS: expect yr note soon. I know I didn't respond to the last one and I won't do that again.

--
:zombie:
:icondubbilex:
~dubbilex Mar 24, 2006, 7:34:35 AM
been a while, eh?

I think this is the first thing I've written where I've had the spine to write references to a specific 'you.' I'm usually a contraction sorta guy, but this one felt different. I've always gotten hung up on style nitpicks like that and I realized, pretty recently, that that's probably one of the things holding me back. Least, I hope so.

Anyways, I appreciate this. Have any real suckerpuches for me? Honest, I'll try not to hold it against you :)

--
:zombie:
:iconmisaniovent:
~Misaniovent Mar 24, 2006, 12:42:37 PM
Nope, none. As usual, I can't think easily of ways to make your work better.

--
Hide the past!
:iconanarchypress:
*anarchypress Mar 26, 2006, 7:36:21 AM
This is good stuff. I think all of the colloquialisms work, except for "coulda" at the end. That just seems forced somehow. I recommend "could've."

Nit: Dashes and hyphens aren't the same. A hyphen is x-x. A dash can be expressed in several different ways in typing: x - x or x--x, or, preferably, x – x or x—x.

~M

--
You are the circus, I am the freak. [link]
:iconclements:
~clements Mar 27, 2006, 11:54:53 AM
Couple'a nitpicks from me, sir.

knotted ghostdim
in the gloom,
sayin

I'll hopefully try not to reproduce what other people have said about colloquialism, but I think it works. If you are going to be colloquial - and this is a nit-pick - changing SAYIN to SAYIN' may help us know it's deliberate. I just try to imagine this published -- and if it were I'd be a nitpicky bastard at that.



your tragedy,
Your morphine smiles and
Your nightmares

First your not capitalised - unsure if this was deliberate?

The informal structure and somewhat stunted tempo go hand in hand.
It reads well. Killa ending.

Good to see you glittering again, Mr XX.
:icondubbilex:
~dubbilex Mar 28, 2006, 5:20:29 AM
MY WORK HERE IS DONE

--
:zombie:
:icondubbilex:
~dubbilex Mar 28, 2006, 5:29:13 AM
big problem with punctuation is that sometimes it makes it look a little too deliberate, like the writer was hellbent to fit into a certain style at the expense of authenticity. This thought went through my mind when I was writing it. I realize now that I've done the exact same thing, only the other way. I've still got a lot to learn.

The capitalization thing was just a fuckup that I didn't catch. It could work the way it is, but I probably had it capitalized in my mindseye so that way it will go.

You the best.
No seriously.
No, SERIOUSLY.

--
:zombie:
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